The stages of grief

Understanding the stages of grief may help you understand your colleague or a child in your class who lost a loved one's behavior better.  Let's have a look at the stages of grief:

Natural depression treatments

Depression is a reality and can affect young and old.  How do I help my child if I detect depression?  Here are a few natural depression treatments:

1.  Get in a routine:  A daily schedule can help to keep your child on track and feel more safe.

2.  Set goals:  What can your child look forward to?  A family holiday at the end of the year?  Dinner and a movie after a tough test?  Goals an rewards are a wonderful way to keep your child motivated and on track.

3.  Exercise:  Apart from the feel-good chemicals (endorphins) released during exercise, it is also one of the best ways of coping with day to day stresses.  Exercise done in groups will also aid a child's social connections.

4.  Eat healthy:  A healthy diet is crucial in helping your child's body cope with day to day challenges.  There's also evidence that foods with omega-3 fatty acids (such as salmon and tuna) and folic acid (such as spinach and avocado) cold help ease depression.

5.  Get enough sleep:  Let your child go to bed and get up at the same time every day.  Take all the distractions out of the bedroom - no computer or TV.

6.  Try something new:  A new hobby or activity is a great way to get out of the rut of depression.  Go to a museum, take swimming lessons, read interesting books etc.

Challenges our Gr. 4 - 7 kids are facing

Dear Parent and Teacher,

Here is some insight on the most common challenges our intermediate phase children are facing:

1.  Self-esteem:
Children tend to compare themselves to their peers at this age, and he/she may decide that she just doesn't measure up to others who he/she believes are smarter, prettier and more popular.  Help children to focus on their talents and to find activities which they enjoy.

2.  Academic Pressure:
The jump from foundation phase to intermediate phase are quite big for most kids.  Resist the temptation to push a child to the point that he/she can't enjoy the intermediate school experience, because he/she are so concerned about success or failure.  They still have a lot of growing up to do.  Save the college/university talk for high school.

3.  Drama: 
Bullying and other antisocial behaviors tend to peak in the intermediate phase. Be on the look out for mean children, enemies and bullies, and arm children with ideas on how to deal with them, who to turn to for help, and how to move on.

4.  Temptation:
Having frequent conversations on what's right and wrong, what's dangerous and why, and what you expect and hope for the child, is a good way to start in helping children resist the temptations of smoking, drinking, drugs and other dangerous behaviors.

The learning process

Dear teacher and parent, this may give you some insight into how our kids are learning:

Birth order and personality

Research has shown that the order into which a child is born into a family, has a definite impact on his/her personality.  Parents also tend to approach e.g. their first born differently than e.g. their second born.  Thus: birth order + parenting = behavior.  

This might help you understand your child/children a little better:

The firstborn:

As the leader of the pack, firstborns often tend to be:

*  reliable
*  conscientious
*  structured
*  cautious
*  controlling
*  achievers

Middle child:

In general, middle children tend to possess the following characteristics:

*  people-pleasers
*  somewhat rebellious
*  thrives on friendships
*  has a large social circle
*  peacemaker

Last born:

The baby of the family tends to be:

*  fun-loving
*  uncomplicated
*  manipulative
*  outgoing
*  attention-seeker
*  self-centered

Only children:

Being the only child is a unique position in a family.  The only child tends to be something like a "super-firstborn".  Only children tend to be:

*  mature for their age
*  perfectionists
*  conscientious
*  diligent
*  leaders

Exceptions to traditional birth order structure:

Blended families:  As a result of divorce, remarriage, and the melding of stepchildren, a child's birth order may "change".  E.g. a firstborn may now find himself to be the second born due to an older stepbrother or stepsister.  Despite the new position in a blended family hierarchy, the child will not tailor his existing personality to his new position unless he is still in infancy.

Twins:  Twins is a unit that operates independently of birth order.  Most likely a twin will act like a firstborn or a baby, regardless of the twin's birth order in the family.

Gap children:  If you have a gap of at least five years in between births, another family begins in the birth order structure.  This gap child will adopt the traits of a firstborn.

Adoption:  The age at which the child is adopted is a key factor in which traits the child is most likely to exhibit.  The younger the child is at adoption, the more time he will spend under the adoptive parent's care and adopt his position in the existing family tree.  For example, if a firstborn 1-year old child is adopted into a family with a 4-year old child, the adopted child will likely fall into the role of the baby, despite the fat that he is biologically a firstborn child. 

How can children cope when mum or dad lose their jobs?

Research has shown that, with the current economic situation and recessions, over 3 million children will enter poverty.  In the case of a parental job loss, children are well aware of the fact that something tragic has happened to the family, but they don't have the coping skills to deal with it.  Additionally, parental conflict may increase which negatively impacts family tension and the family's sense of well-being and security.

Some behaviors that can signal that economic stress has filtered down to children in the family may include:

*  Irritability and negative statements about life
*  Generally anxious questions about the future, about the safety of the family
*  Increased fighting and arguing with siblings and adults
*  Frequent physical complaints/calls from the child's teacher
*  Spontaneous offers to help the family with finances
*  The appearance of tics, nervous habits, or nervous behaviors
*  Isolation

Some strategies that may help address insecurities with children are:

*  Give them a frame of reference (perspective) of what is happening with them.  Describe this as a historical event occurring in the country, as well as the family's history.  Talk about how grandparents got through tough times.  

*  Make sure that "signs of life" continue in the family, and that survival does not take center stage at all times.  Laughing, playing and doing things together that celebrate being in the family are powerful weapons in fighting back fear.

*  Take care of your own signs of stress.  Use some of the stress-fighting techniques mentioned in this blog.

*  Have a family meeting to come up with a list of resources, ideas, and family strengths.  Don't brush away children's offers of help, because they are looking for a sense of purpose and direction just like the parents in the family.

*  Take away some of the unknown by describing what might change in the family's routine, schedules, or activities.  Give them some time frame so they can know what to expect.  Stress that some of these changes may be temporary and some may be permanent, but be clear that the changes will help the family stay on track through this problem.

How to help your child with a learning disability become a successful adult (Part 2)

Here are three more attributes of successful adults with learning disabilities:

4.  Goal-setting
Successful individuals set goals that are specific, yet flexible so that they can be changed to adjust to specific circumstances and situations.

Ask yourself:  My child.....
*  Sets academic goals
*  Sets non-academic goals
*  Can prioritize goals
*  Knows when a goal is realistic
*  Develops plans/steps for reaching goals
*  Understands the relationship between short and long-term goals
*  Finds alternative ways to reach goals when faced with obstacles
*  Understands the need to work with others to reach goals

5.  Presence and use of effective support systems
Both successful and unsuccessful individuals with learning disabilities receive some form of support and assistance from others over the course of their lives.  Guidance, support, and encouragement come from family members, friends, mentors, teachers, therapists, and co-workers.  However, as successful individuals move into adulthood, they attempt to reduce their dependence on others.  

Ask yourself:  My child.......
*  Knows when he/she needs help
*  Knows how to get help
*  Seeks help when needed
*  Is willing to use technological supports
*  Is aware of laws to help persons with learning disabilities
*  Understand the benefits of using support systems
*  Develop strategies for finding, accessing, utilizing, and maintaining support systems
*  Recognize "triggers" indicating that help is needed
*  Learn to accept help, give help, and develop trust in others
*  Understand laws that mandate support/assistance for persons with disabilities
*  Model how to ask for help in daily family interactions
*  Share stories (tell, read, see movies) about individuals who needed help from others, how they got it, and the benefits of receiving it

6.  Emotional coping strategies
Successful individuals appear to have developed effective means of reducing and coping with stress, frustration, and the emotional aspect of their learning disabilities.  They:
-  are aware of situations that trigger stress
-  recognize the development of stress
-  have access to and uses coping strategies

Ask yourself:  My child......
*  Is aware of how his/her emotional reactions affect behavior
*  Is aware of situations that cause stress, frustration and emotional upset
*  Has developed strategies for avoiding or reducing stress
*  Is able to recognize the onset of stress
*  Knows when outside support/help is needed

How to help your child with a learning disability become a successful adult (Part 1)

Dear Parent, according to a 20-year study done with children with learning disabilities, the following attributes contributed to them becoming successful adults:

1.  Self-awareness
Successful people with learning disabilities are aware of the types of problems they have, including academic problems like reading and math, academic-related problems such as attentional or organizational difficulties, and non-academic difficulties such as motor deficits or emotional/behavioral problems.  They recognize their talents along with accepting their limitations. 

Ask yourself:  My child.....
*  Is aware of his/her academic strengths
*  Is aware of his/her academic weaknesses
*  Is aware of his/her non-academic strengths
*  Is aware of his/her non-academic weaknessess
*  Is aware of his/her special talents and abilities
*  Is aware of his/her feelings, opinions, and values
*  Is able to match activities to strengths
*  Understands his/her specific learning disability
*  Accepts his/her learning disability
*  Uses strategies to work around the learning disability

2.  Pro-activity
Successful adults with learning disabilities are generally actively engaged in the world around them.  They participate in community activities and take an active role in their families, neighborhoods and friendship groups.

Ask yourself:  My child......
*  Participates in classroom and extra-curricular social activities
*  Makes decisions and acts upon those decisions
*  Understands the advantages/disadvantages of making certain decisions
*  Recognizes when a decision needs to be made
*  Knows how to evaluate decisions
*  Takes responsibility for his/her actions
*  Feels he/she has control over his/her world
*  Is assertive and stands up for him/herself
*  Is self-confident

3.  Perseverance

Many persons with learning disabilities show great perseverance and keep pursuing their chosen path despite difficulties.  However, successful individuals demonstrate and additional important ability - knowing when to quit.  Although they rarely give up on a general goal, depending on the situation, they may change the way they go about achieving it, thereby improving their chances for success.

Ask yourself:  My child.....

*  Understands the benefits of perseverance

*  Keeps working at academic tasks despite difficulties

*  Keeps working at non-academic tasks despite difficulties

*  Knows how to deal with obstacles/setbacks

*  Knows how to adjust to change

*  Knows when to quit

To be continued.......... :-) 

Four tips to boost a child's self esteem

Here are four of the most important things a parent or a teacher can do to build a child's self-esteem:

1.  Praise:  Find something the child is excelling at and remind them what a great job they do.  This will encourage them to do more things and try new experiences.  Few things compare to the feeling a parent or a teacher who are proud of you.

2.  Be affectionate:  Just a simple hug can go a long way......

3.  Spend one-on-one time:  Go for coffee, a milkshake, a movie, shopping etc. alone with your child.  Your child will feel valued, knowing you make an effort to spend time with him/her.

4.  Be aware:  Be aware of signs of problems with self-esteem.  This will include changes in behavior, lack of interest, and/or isolation.  

Tips for different learning styles

On 30 September, I posted three main learning styles of kids:

Parent, have you identified which type of learner your child is?  Remember your child can also be a combination of two types. 

Here are some tips for each learning style:

1.  Visual learner:

*  Use books, videos, computers, visual aids, and flashcards when learning.

*  Make detailed color-coded or highlighted notes.

*  Make outlines, diagrams and lists.


*  Use drawings and illustrations (preferably in color).

*  Take detailed notes in class.

2.  Auditory learner:

*  Read notes or study materials out loud.

*  Use word associations and verbal repetition to memorize.

*  Study with other students and talk things through.

*  Listen to books on tape or other audio recordings.

*  Use a tape recorder to listen to lectures again later.

3.  Kinesthetic learners:

*  Get hands on, do experiments and take field trips.

*  Use activity-based tools, like role-playing or model building.

*  Study in small groups and take frequent breaks.

*  Use memory games and flash cards.

*  Study with music on in the background.

*  Sit on an exercise ball while studying.

Stress fighting techniques

Parents and teachers,  here are some stress fighting tips for you:

1.  Physical strategies:

*  Physical exercise is a natural anti-depressant, and helps to relieve tension.  Find an activity you enjoy, like walking, swimming, running, cycling (outside, or on a stationary bike), playing sports, working out with an aerobics video, gardening or even chopping wood!

*  Eat a balanced diet with plenty of vitamins.  Ensure you are eating enough (for energy), but don't overeat.

*  Relaxation exercises can help your body feel more relaxed and take away aches and pains.  try tensing and relaxing your muscle groups (e.g. your hands, then your eyes, mouth, stomach, toes, etc.)

*  Get enough sleep.  Stress is tiring, so you may need to sleep for longer than usual.  Having a banana or cup of milk before bed may help.

2.  Emotional strategies:

*  Write in a journal, including your thoughts and feelings.  Or, if you prefer, write emails or letters, or tape your thoughts or talk to someone about them.  This helps you process your experiences, and stops their going round and round in your head.

*  Talk to friends/family/colleagues about your experiences.

*  Allow yourself to cry if you want to.  Emotional tears contain a stress hormone, so crying helps people feel better.

*  Smiling and laughing can help you feel better.  Try watching a funny movie, reading something amusing, or having a laugh with your friends.



3.  Behavioural strategies:

*  Participate in activities that help you relax or that you enjoy.  For example, chat with friends, watch videos, go to a place you like, read, have a relaxing bath, listen to music, draw, or do cross-stitch.

*  Don't isolate yourself.  Spend time with people you like.

*  Give yourself treats.  Be kind to yourself.

*  If you feel overwhelmed by having too much to do , try to set yourself small goals and just focus on doing one thing (perhaps starting with an easy task).  Prioritize.

*  Be assertive.  Delegate tasks, and ask for time off if you need it.  Be willing to ask for help.


4.  Thought patterns:

*  Realize it is normal to feel low or have symptoms of stress, especially if you are involved in humanitarian work such as teaching.  Don't blame yourself - most people have such symptoms.  It is not a sign of weakness, and does not mean that your are "not coping".

*  Lower your expectations of yourself.  You don't have to do everything perfectly.  

*  If you have negative thoughts (e.g. "I'm really bad at my job."), try to speak to someone else to get an objective, external perspective.  Negative thoughts may be a sign of stress or depression, rather than reality.

5.  Spiritual/Philosophical strategies

*  Remind yourself of the value of the work you are doing and the value you have as a parent.

*  Pray, or ask other people to pray for you.

*  If necessary, forgive yourself or other people.

Symptoms of stress

Teacher, are you stressed? Parent, do you feel overwhelmed?  According to Forbes magazine (2013), as much as R3 billion a year is being lost to workplace stress in South-Africa.

Stress is like spice, in the right proportion it enhances the flavor of a dish.  Too little produces a bland, dull meal;  too much may choke you.

Let's have a look at some of the symptoms of stress. Stress symptoms may be psychological (e.g. loss of motivation or confidence), emotional (e.g. feeling overwhelmed or irritable), physical (e.g. indigestion, chest pain) or behavioral (e.g. eating more/less, isolating yourself).  Some of the most common symptoms include:

Physical:
*  Headache, muscle tension or pain, chest pain, fatigue, change in sex drive, stomach upset, sleep problems

Emotional and Psychological:
*  Anxiety, restlessness, lack of motivation or focus, irritability or anger, sadness or depression

Behavioral:
*  Overeating or under-eating, angry outbursts, drug or alcohol abuse, tobacco use, social withdrawal

Keep following the blog.... we will discuss some stress fighting techniques soon!

Possible effects of your parenting style

I recently posted a diagram about the four parenting styles:  authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and passive.  Let's look at the effects of each parenting style on the child:

1.  The authoritative parent (affectionate, engaged, sets limits, enforces consequences, uses reason, logic, and appropriate negotiation, empowers a child's decision making):

The authoritative parent's child is likely to be:
*  happy, responsible, and kind
*  good at problem-solving
*  self-motivated and confident
*  cooperative
*  an excellent student
*  a leader

2.  The authoritarian parent (emotionally aloof, bossy, likely to say: 'Because I said so', uses physical punishment or verbal insults, dismisses a child's feelings):

The authoritarian parent's child is likely to be:
*  moody and anxious
*  well-behaved
*  an average to good student
*  a follower

3.  The permissive parent (affectionate, anxious to please, ends every sentence by asking 'Ok?', indulgent, can't say no and stick to it, easily manipulated):

The permissive parent's child is likely to be:
*  demanding and whiny
*  easily frustrated
*  lacking kindness and empathy
*  a poor to average student
*  a follower

4.  The passive parent (emotionally removed or indifferent, uninvolved, abdicates discipline, inconsistent and unpredictable):

The passive parent's child is likely to be:
*  clingy and needy
*  inappropriate and rude
*  likely to get into trouble
*  a poor student
*  a follower

Our words ........something to think about

"When I was a kid, my Mum liked to make food for dinner every now & then.  I remember one night in particular when she had made dinner after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my Mum placed a plate of extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad.  I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!

Yet, all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mum and ask me how my day was at school.

I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my Mum apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits.

And I'll never forget what he said:  "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I wen to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.  

He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your mum put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired.  And besides .... A burnt biscuit never hurt anyone, but harsh words do!"

The three main learning styles

What is your parenting style?

What is beneficial about my child having a learning disability?

The benefits of a learning disability - sounds like an oxymoron?  

If you have a child who has a learning disability, take heart ...... here are some crucial characteristics your child may have that other children without learning disabilities might not have:

1.  Children with a learning disability are used to needing to work harder than non-disabled children to achieve their goals.  This often makes them hard workers in school and on the job.

2.  Children with a learning disability often reason differently or visualize differently than most children.  This makes them innovative and creative.

3.  Children with a learning disability have to use all resources available to them to solve problems and often have to “think outside the box”.  This makes them inquisitive and resourceful.

4.  Knowing how much they have struggled with learning themselves, children with a learning disability are often compassionate and caring individuals who work well with others.

What is counselling?

Help    Heal    Hope

           School Counselling Services

Counselling is a facilitative, supportive, non-judgmental relationship that enables clients to:

explore their problems

understand their problems

resolve or come to terms with their problems

9 homework tips for parents!

Battling with your child to do his/her homework?  Here are some tips that might help:

1.  Set up a homework friendly area, with a comfortable chair, table, stationery and even a few inspirational quotes on the wall.

2.  Make homework a priority:  schedule a regular homework/study time, e.g. between 4pm and 5pm.  Keep to the same time every day.  Avoid homework time before bedtime.

3.  Keep distractions to a minimum: This means no T.V., loud music or phone-calls.

4.  If your child feels the work is too much, encourage them to break it up into smaller, manageable parts.  Take breaks in between.

5.  Make sure kids do their own work:  They won't learn if they don't think for themselves and make their own mistakes.  Parents can make suggestions and help with directions, but it's the kid's job to do the learning.

6.  Set a good example:  Do you kids see you read a book or diligently balancing your budget?

7.  Praise their work and efforts:  Display a good test or art project on the refrigerator or share with relatives.  Show them you are proud!

8.  Use leverage and incentives if you need to: Does your child love television?  Computer games? Unplug it until homework is done.  You can even exchange homework time for something they love:  15 minutes of effective homework time = 15 minutes with their beloved "whatnot" :-) 

9.  Set a timer:  Don't leave your child to work for too long at a time.  Set a timer for 20 minutes and then let your child take a quick break, e.g. drink a glass of water, run around the house or even scream out loud:  "I hate homework!".

The start of "Help Heal Hope School Counselling Services" - offering counselling to teachers, parents and children.